Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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