i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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