Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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