I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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