just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
