How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
