I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
