I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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