I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
