so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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