I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize