dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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