Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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