There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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