just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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