My sheets look like a crime scene.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
