He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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