I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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