It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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