Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
