My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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