I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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