do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
