they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
