I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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