I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
