Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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