Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize