Please, let me fuck your mom
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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