I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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