I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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