this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
There are leaves in my underwear?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
