Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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