He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
