Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
