You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
