I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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