My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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