finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
