from now on my penis is your penis
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
