Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
