ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
