wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
