Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
