I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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