When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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