Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
