Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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