Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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