I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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