if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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