Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
