i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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